


you taught me the courage of stars

by astrolabes (orphan_account)



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Depressed Character(s), Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Illustrated Fic, M/M, Pining, Spoilers, Suicide Attempt, Trans Saihara Shuuichi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-16
Updated: 2017-09-16
Packaged: 2018-12-21 07:51:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11939634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/astrolabes
Summary: Shuuichi Saihara waits for Kaito Momota to come home.





	you taught me the courage of stars

**Author's Note:**

> this is for the lovely renee whom i adore,,, i Feel You on the rarepair front so i'm giving you some saimotas to fill ur little gay heart with
> 
> heavy depression and suicide tw, btw, because saihara is a Very Sad Boy
> 
> as a precaution, endgame spoiler knowledge of v3 is required, or at the very least up to chapter 5
> 
> Thanks to @SeasofRhye and @Mistropolis for looking this over!!!

_you taught me the courage of stars_

* * *

 

 

Saihara Shuuichi wakes up to a cold bed and the sun splaying out in front of sunflower-lashed, sleepy eyes.

 

He spreads out his lanky limbs off the side of the queen-sized bed, noting how his fingers dangle off the edges, dragged down only by gravity.

 

It’s a wish, an incredibly selfish wish, but—

 

—just this once, he wants Kaito to wake up in his bed at the same time he does. To see his smile, to feel the warmth of his body as he nestled into his strong abs and masculine patchouli scent, to feel the tickle of his goatee against his face when he’s pulled in, feeling for once strong and safe, like he can just rest away from the world for just a little while longer.

 

Shuuichi continues to stew away at his thoughts as the already rising sun grows brighter and brighter. More than once, he contemplates getting up because of his growing hunger or his sweaty countenance, but the mental pull of the bed is stronger and stronger.

 

Suddenly his phone buzzes from under his pillow. He knows it's a foolish thing to do, Kaito had warned him about the dangers many times over, but he can’t let go of it.

 

…especially when it gives him a reminder of Kaito’s voice each and every single day.

 

“Rise and shine, sleepyhead! You’ve got to face the day like a man! Wake with the sun, sleep only on moonless nights! And above all, give it your best!”

 

His brows relax, and the corners of his mouth turn up.

 

“You know, it’s really hard to just _do things_. I feel you man, I really do. Depression is a son of a bitch, yanno?”

 

“Makes it hard to get up in the morning, takes away energy from things you wanna do, makes you really think it's almost not worth your while to live… all that rough sorta stuff.”

 

“When you can’t bind, your dysphoria is made all the worse, and you just start hating yourself for the things you can't be or can't do.”

 

“That's why I'm recording this message for you. For you to understand how hard it is, and for you to be able to get up anyway. To face the day on your own. Don’t worry though, I’m always here for you in spirit. I'll fight for you, even if nobody else can. So… you don't need to be afraid anymore.”

 

“I love you.”

 

☆☆☆☆

 

Shuuichi finally sits up, and, although it takes a while and the thoughts keep coming, he sluggishly makes his way to the kitchen without tripping once.

 

His meal is a simple breakfast—store-bought natto over steamed rice, some miso soup to accompany it. There aren’t any pickled vegetables, nor any seaweed, but that’s fine. He can’t fix his previous failings, but there’s always a new day to move forward to, Momota’s voice always tells him.

 

He eats it with a sort of hunger he’s never known he had—but it’s understandable.

 

Today is a big day, after all. The date on the calendar reads April 12th, after all. Kaito’s birthday… and the date he’d come home back to him.

 

There are two coats hanging on the hooks, one purple and one black. One hasn’t been used for months, but no dust has been gathered on it.

 

Despite being early April, their apartment in Ibaraki prefecture is still quite cold (mostly because Shuuichi forgot to pay the heating bill) so the rack is left empty, and he runs through the door out of breath, only barely remembering to lock his door as he goes down.

 

The skies are grey and he’s bogged down by the weight of humidity, but even then the sun shines, peeks their head just a little through the clouds. It’s drafty, but the walk to the Tsukuba Space Center is abounding and alive with nature, acid-colored hydrangeas marking the way as if he were on a bridal march down the aisle. From the giddiness that sprouts, blooming, almost seething from his chest, he decides he may as well be. There’s no father walking him down the aisle, but that’s just as fine—he can make the walk himself.

 

The black butterflies almost wither away as he drifts past them with speed, and at the end, Yumeno Himiko turns.

 

“Lo and behold,” she says, a drowsy note clinging to it. “How art thou, Saihara Shuuichi?”

 

“I’m doing well, Yumeno-san,” he says as honestly as he can.

 

She offers him a skeptical look, but slides it aside. “You’re quite the lazy familiar, aren’t you? Momota would’ve wanted you to eat more, you’re too skinny!”

 

“Thank you for your messages,” he says. “They really helped.”

 

“What you needed is a message to yourself, I think. I can’t do much if you don’t want to help yourself, in the long run. But as long as you are under my protection, the great Yumeno Himiko will help you, naa!”

 

He laughs, softly. “You already are, don’t worry!”

 

“If I am, then… tell me what’s wrong, Saihara.”

 

“There’s nothing wrong, Yumeno-san,” he said softly, tapping her shoulder and going inside. “I’ll see you later, I have something I need to do.”

 

All he hears are the words trailing behind him.

 

_“...I love you and I want you to—”_

 

☆☆☆☆

 

Harukawa Maki follows him in the building, her long, black hair trailing behind him.

 

“Why did you leave Himiko alone? Saihara.”

 

“I just have to do something, it’s not a big deal—”

 

“Bullshit. Then what is this?”

 

She takes out the voice changer, and then replays the message Shuuichi gets every single day, up to the part Shuuichi never gets to until today.

 

_“—die for me.”_

 

She clicks off the voice recorder he pulled from Kaito’s exisal, stopping his own message to himself.

 

Maki is silent for a while when she sees Shuuichi refuses to respond, choosing to not look at him either but to instead wipe a lash under her eyes. “Do what you like,” she says, her lip wobbling, and leaves.

 

The doors open, and after a long ride he ascends so far up he can see the sky.

 

☆☆☆☆

 

_“Hey, Shuuichi.”_

 

_“What is it, Momota-kun?”_

 

_“I hope we’ll be able to explore the universe together. Maybe one day, it will be us going into space together! Right, my assistant?”_

 

_“Of course, Momota-kun.” Shuuichi lies his hand on Kaito’s thigh. “I’ll follow you to the moon and back.”_

 

_“Oi, oi, you cheesy little scamp, are you trying to woo me like I’m a girl?” He aggressively noogies Shuuichi, messing up his hair. “The moon is just the first step! You’ll have to catch up to me in space!”_

 

“…Of course, Momota-kun. How could I deny you anything?”

 

“Yumeno-san and Harukawa-san might not forgive me for a while, but…”

 

“We’ll wait for them. Together.”

 

“I don't have to be afraid anymore.”

 

Saihara Shuuichi took his first step into space, the already-loose spacegear floating away as the universe bathed him in a hazy, blankety warmth.

 

So long as he had Kaito’s coat at his back, hugging him around his shoulders in ghosting warmth and the bag of his ashes at his side—he has nothing more to worry about, no.

 

 

That’s why Saihara Shuuichi can happily take his final rest as a star—

 

 

\

 

**Author's Note:**

> i'm so sorry why did i write this this is terrible


End file.
